Cracking under pressure

When I first met Yoda, one of the first few things he asked me was “How do you work best?” The question sounded innocent enough so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I work best under pressure”, I answered candidly, without missing a beat. Little did I know I was actually being analysed and that my responses would determine the way I was going to be supervised.  

If I had just dug a little deeper, I would have discovered that Yoda’s expertise was not limited to literacy acquisition and learning difficulties. Prior to moving to University of Canterbury, he was a lecturer in psychology who studied individual differences. Being an expert in the field, Yoda knows the different conditions under which a person can fulfil his full potential. So,  asking me questions regarding my work habits, experiences and my interests was his clever, subtle way of studying me.

Based his psychoanalysis, Yoda decided I should get the right amount of pressure in order to work well. Over the course of my study, he has given me heaps of motivation in the form of pressure. My data collection work, analysis, research drafts and presentations were mostly done UNDER PRESSURE. My proposal defense for example, was delivered 13 hours before I gave birth to Alva. And that was after I snuck out of the hospital. I work so well under pressure that it has literally become part of my life. Why, last February, I was diagnosed with hypertension stage 2. That’s the epitome of pressure don’t you think?

Until this very day, Yoda still insists on having weekly meetings so that I can continue writing my thesis on UNDER PRESSURE. I should probably tell him I don't want to work like this anymore but I figured, it’s too late now. I have 8 more months to go.

I'm having one of those weekly meetings tomorrow where I’m supposed to submit the discussion section of Chapter 5. But here I am. Writing a blog post instead. I should be writing the first paragraph but I have zero inspiration to craft an outline. Everything's so fuzzy, I don't even know where to begin. *Sigh*

Strangely enough, I don’t have an ounce of guilt and it seems my lack productivity does nothing to my conscience.  But what really bothers me is the fact that I am no longer motivated by pressure. I have less than 10 hours to get things done and yet I am not panicking. What is happening to me?

Is there another way I could work better? Or should I just take Hamm's advice and get hysterical? 

At the moment, the latter seems to be the best choice.  

"Hamm: This is the perfect time to be hysterical!!!"

 

Why I love Yoda

I am feeling high again. As in HIGH HIGH HIGH, roller coaster high. Why? Cos I've just had a meeting with Yoda today and FYI, every single meeting with Yoda  is a revelation. He's a true Jedi Master, who knows all and sees all. Taught me well, Yoda has! I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.  You know that song? Hehehe.

As with most meetings with Yoda, there's the good stuff and there's the bad. The good thing is, I now know what to write about and how to write it! Yay! I'm talking about my thesis of course. You see, more than half the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about cos my head is constantly filled with these thoughts: What's my point already? Can anybody understand this? How do I paraphrase XYZ's statement? Do I sound academic enough? It's like I'm floating in a cloud of uncertainty, where everything is fuzzy and blurry and confusing. But after meeting Yoda, I got my Aha! moment and suddenly everything seemed to make perfect sense. Knowing what to do next is just splendid!

Okay, the bad news is, there are tons and tons of scribbles on my papers and that means I have a gazillion of amendments to do. This plus some extra literature I need to include in the discussion  part and conclusion. Having said that, I'm so thankful for the scribbles because they practically tell me where to go, what to say and how to say it. I don't have to crack my head and use 90% of my brain cells to interpret one small data set. I don't need to spend 5 days writing the discussion section. And I don't need to hit my head on the wall when I have a writer's block while attempting to write the conclusion. Why? Cos I have Yoda's precious scribbles!

As you can see, I have a lot to work on. Yoda tells me "you're getting there" but that's the only encouragement he offered. Not that I expected extra credit  btw. I just felt that today, he was more serious than usual. I guess while marking my inscrutable paper,  all the joy of being a supervisor was sucked out of his being. He confirmed this, more or less.

Me: I hope my writing didn't drive you cookoo (smiling weakly)

Yoda: Ooohh...yes. I can't even begin to describe it. It drove me cookoo alright! (Feigning a disgusted expression, eyebrows raised + eye roll!) Now work on that bit and send it across when you're done. I'll see you on Tuesday.

And that's how he left me. Isn't that priceless?