Bittersweet

Leaving Christchurch brings with it a mixture of emotions – from happiness to relief to a bittersweet sense of loss. For all of the experiences I've gained and people I’ve met; going home seems like a difficult task. The saddest part is leaving the wonderful friends I’ve made through the years. 

Feeling a bit miserable right now but I guess this is only a phase.

I end this short entry with a nice song called Love, Love Love. The band is called Avalanche City.

I'm still here

I've been very quiet over the last few weeks. It's mostly been because I've been trying to finish my thesis while packing and coordinating my move to Malaysia. It 's hard to believe my time here is up. After three and a half years in Christchurch, I'm finally moving back to KK!! Between the move, thesis-writing and the chaos at home, I haven't had any time for blogging or bloghopping. Believe me, I've been meaning to read the updates in my reading folder but circumstances just don't permit it.

For this post, let me just tell you what I've been up to the past few weeks, okay?

Packing

As I've said earlier, we're moving home very very soon. We’ve been packing like mad over the past few weeks and cleaning the house for our landlord’s final inspection. Inspection day was Sunday and boy, was I relieved when we finally handed over the house keys to Mr. Butcher.

To me, there's nothing fun about packing. The whole process was so stressful, I almost had a meltdown. I felt like crap packing tons of stuff because my ribcage was sore the whole time (will tell you more about this). Second, we had way too many things to get rid of. Deciding what to ship home, donate and sell was physically and mentally draining. I didn’t think we own so many things, but when we started packing, I realised just how much junk we've accumulated over years. Third, when I'm busy packing, I become very moody and I look frumpy. I go into a don’t-come-and-see me mode which is really ugly.
 

But that's all over now and I am so relieved to have the packing behind me!

Trading

Apart from packing, I was also busy selling all our stuff on Trade Me. Trade Me is something like Mudah.com. I find it exciting selling stuff online especially when the bid exceeds my reserve price. These are some of the things I've sold on Trade Me.

I sold these and tons of other stuff like my shoes, handbags, bean bags, TV Cabinet, dining table, trampoline, toaster, rice cooker, printer, vacuum cleaner, broom, laundry basket, study desk, wall clock, and matress. Semua licin!

A Tragic Fall

This event is related to the ribcage pain I mentioned earlier.

Have I told you that I am a total klutz? If I haven’t, well, it’s time I come clean. I have this habit of falling down and hurting myself on a regular basis. Hubby and my sister are constantly surprised that I can fall down while doing something so simple like walking. I think it’s in my DNA.

Last year my great fall happened at the college cafe. Remember this post? I lost my footing while walking into the café and landed flat on my butt. Humiliating, yes.  

An incident at the uni 2 weeks ago beats last year’s hands down. On a fine Wednesday morning, while I was working at the office, I got a text message from a guy who saw my Car-For-Sale ad. Overwhelmed by excitement, I got totally disoriented. All I knew was I needed to get home ASAP. So I quickly got out of the office and sprinted toward my car. Instead of walking over this chain barrier thingy in front of the parking lot, I jumped over it. BIG mistake. Instead of jumping successfully, I ended up getting my right foot caught in the chains. 

**GEDEBAB**

I fell down hard flat on the ground. Face Down.

The worst thing was a few people and a nenek who was brisk-walking witnessed the entire scene. So there I was lying down on the pavement, with the sun on my face and this elderly woman beside me. I cursed myself for attempting the impossible jump. The nenek said "You had a fright but you’ll be okay”. I thanked her and slowly limped my way to the car. End  of story.

The moral of the story? If you're a klutz, avoid crossing/ jumping/ walking over barriers of any sort.

The barriers

Selling my Camry

Another big decision I made last month was to sell  my car. I bought it in 2010 with the intention of shipping it to KK. I was keen on doing that because according to Kastam di Raja Malaysia (KDRM), overseas students  who intend to import cars to the country get student AP. Plus, a majority of my seniors have imported their cars without much hassle. This means the cars arrived promptly and the payable tax was reasonable. For instance, my colleague JD, who went back to Malaysia last year was charged RM18K in tax for his 2001 Honda Stream. Reasonable, don't you think?

So. What made me change my mind? Well, when I asked for a quotation from KDRM in Port Klang, I was told that I needed to pay about RM31K for my Camry. Fine. I then called KDRM in Kota Kinabalu to ascertain the figure. Guess what? The KK custom official had a different quotation. It was RM62K! DOUBLE the amount given by Port Klang custom. Crazy right? Shouldn't the formula for import tax be standard across the country? To make the story short, I decided to sell my baby and avoid paying a fortune in tax. I was sore about it but didn't have a choice.

So there you have it. My excuses for not being able to blog. I have a few more days to spend in Christchurch and I'm starting to feel a bit emotional about leaving. I guess that's the reason why I'm writing this entry - to remind myself what life is like right now.

Story of a wimpy kid

I think the biggest challenge for a thesis writer is to focus consistently on her writing no matter what happens around her. This is something I have yet to master. Like yesterday morning for example, I had this crazy urge to shut my colleague's mouth with a mop simply 'cos he was chatting with another colleague. I got so distracted by their conversation, I couldn't focus on anything else.

Before I go on, let me spill the 411 about this guy. Let's call him L. L is new in his PhD journey and is currently in the process of writing his proposal. Last month, he went through a hard time deciding what topic to do as he was torn between his own choice and the one recommended by his supervisor. The problem was, he couldn't say NO to his supervisor. Since I was the only one around, he came to me to spill his guts out.

After 2 weeks of counselling, I turned into a wreck myself. The more L talked, the less focused I became and the more frustrated I felt with myself. In an attempt to end his and my misery, I decided  to be blunt. I told him "If you don't think you can handle this topic now, what makes you think you can handle it in the next 3 years? This isn't a short-term commitment." I told him that and a few other things along those lines. The advice was given in response to his many complaints: I have no background in X, I've never done a qualititative study, this topic is too difficult, bla bla bla bla bla. When I was done talking, he nodded and said "yeah, you're right". I was relieved. No more counselling session! Yay!

The next morning, he came to the office, looking all chirpy and bubbly. He said "Hey Alice, I've  told J what I want to do and she seems okay with it!" Good on him, I thought.

A few days later, I attended a friend's barbecue party where I met L's supervisor. When she saw me, she marched slowly toward me, patted my shoulder and started this conversation:

J: So I heard that you have led one of our PhD students astray.

As you might have guessed, I went all PUCAT. 

Me: No I didn't.

J: Well, a few days ago, L came to tell me that he didn't want to change his topic. When I asked him why, he said you told him not to.

Me: Me?? He said that??

J: He specifically said "Alice told me to choose a topic that I'm interested in".

Sot kan si L? I began to feel hot in the face 'cos our conversation got some of my colleagues' attention.

Me: It's not like that. He came to me for advise. I never told him to do anything. I mean, I was just trying to help...

J: That's not what L said (she smiled). He said "ALICE told me to choose my own topic".

Me: NO NO NO. I said "If you don't think you can handle this topic now, what makes you think you can handle it in the next three years?". That's all.

I was about to string another paragraph of explanation but J didn't let me finish.

J: Oh well, don't worry about it (still smiling). I think you're right...and I told L "Alice is right. You should follow your heart".

She said a few other things to make light of the situation but I never recovered from my shock. I was so pissed at L. I mean, taken out of context, it sounded as if I was a nosy-parker, meddling into his business. Why didn't he just tell her the truth?! Babun!

As I lay in bed that night, I imagined myself confronting him in the office. I wanted to tell him how unprofessional he had been and how serious the matter was. But that wasn't enough. I was so angry, I wanted to take him by the neck and choke-slam  him like Kane in WWE. You know what WWE is right? Okay. Just picture Kane vs. Mr Bean. Begitula my imagination.

The next morning, I went to the office, ready for action.  I waited and waited at my desk but he never showed up. Not the next day or the day after. In fact, he went MIA for one whole week. When he did show up, which was eons later, I have lost all the Kane-rage in me. I was like "Ahhh...Biarlah dia. Bikin kesian juga muka dia ni." 

So. That brings us to yesterday morning and the part where I wanted to shut him up with a mop. When I heard him talking to another colleague (loudly), asking for advice on proposal guidelines, I suddenly felt sick inside. There he goes again, playing that clueless-guy-in-distress act. He's confused because the topic is too difficult, bla bla bla. He's not sure how long the lit review should be, bla bla bla. He has so much to read bla bla bla. He's lost, bla bla bla. When I heard my new colleague comforting and guiding him like a good therapist, I was so tempted to say: He is TROUBLE! I almost spewed some word vomit but the voice in my head told me to shut up.

She's right.

I have bigger things to worry about: thesis, kids, wrinkles, eye bags, house chores, chipped nails, how to ship my stuff to KK etc etc. In the end, I decided to keep quiet, put on my imaginary ear muffs and ignore the wimp for the rest of the day. Let him be. If he continues misquoting people, sooner or later someone will give him the choke-slam he so deserves.

180 posts and counting

3 years ago, I decided to create my own site. I didn't know anything about blogging then but I really wanted to learn and be part of the blogging community. I  was very much inspired by Carol and Deb who both had their own cool sites and after following their stories, I was determined to write my own. I thought, "how hard could it be?"

Contrary to my assumption, blogging wasn't as easy as it seemed. It took me several months of contemplations and self-doubt before I finally garnered the courage to publish an entry. Other than my sister, I knew that no one else read my site, but posting something on the web made me feel so exposed. It was as if  I was baring my soul to the entire world. Because of this, I was pathetically self-conscious when I first started. I would draft a post, proofread a million times and then let it rot in my draft folder. After some time, I realised that no one really gives a shit about what I write. The level of self-consciousness gradually decreased, giving me the courage to find my writing voice. After months of writing self-indulgent posts and reading other people's sites, I slowly became addicted to the blogsphere.

I think what I like most about blogging is having my voice heard. Even if nobody hears me or reads my stories, at least I have the pleasure of telling them, without anyone interrupting me. While drafting a post, nobody can shut me up, boo at me or tell me that my story sucks. That’s a pleasure in itself, don’t you think? There's something to be said about being able to have your say. I think it's very therapeutic.

I look forward to writing many more self-indulgent posts in the future and celebrating heaps of blog anniversaries. To those of you who read my blog, thank you for your love and support. I really do appreciate your readership.

37 months later

Last month marked the 3rd anniversary of my arrival in New Zealand. I remember the first time I set foot in Christchurch Airport, I had a feeling of excitement I'd never imagined. I didn't know what to expect of the people, the place or the NZ life, but I was so psyched to find out.

The first 365 days - Settling Down

My first impression of Christchurch was that it reminded me of the film Pleasantville. Everything looked so picture perfect, it almost felt like I was in that movie. Have you seen it?

Anyway, hubby and I decided to live in a suburb called Kaiapoi so that we could be close to Esperanza, a Sabahan whose sister was my close friend back in UPM. We'd known each other for quite some time so it was nice to have at least one Sabahan friend in Christchurch. Before getting our own shack, we crashed at Es' place for a few days. She and her husband were really kind during our stay but we didn't want to invade too much of their privacy. For this reason, our house-hunting process was done in a rush, as in, we surveyed 4 houses, saw one that we liked and immediately put a deposit on it. After getting all the paper work sorted out, we moved in right away.

3-bedroom house in Kaiapoi

Just us three

The first 9 days were nice and peachy. We settled in, bought furniture for the house and made it look like home. Things changed on the 10th day when I took a pregnancy test at home. The result said: You're knocked up! My reaction to this was: HABISLAH SIA!! I know that sounds like I'm a horrible human being but I really wasn't prepared for it. The thought of having a second child was scary because 1. I was in a new town, without any family support, 2. I had to look after a 2 year old hyper-active boy and 3. I was supposed to focus on my study. It was madness.

As usual, hubby comforted me and said that everything would be okay. I guess the brief counselling worked cos I began telling myself the same thing; that everything was going to be fine. After a couple of days, I started to embrace my pregnancy and told my family about it. What I found hard about being pregnant was not being able to fulfill my pregnancy cravings. Asian restaurants were limited in Kaiapoi, so getting authentic Malaysian food like kon-lau-men, nasi lemak or fish-head curry was an impossibilty. Because of this, and the fact that I had morning sickness throughout the second trimester, my pregancy sucked a lot.

After enduring eight months of unfulfilled pregnancy cravings, Alva was finally born. I was so thankful that she didn't show any signs of kobihis symptoms. Nasiblah! Anyway, right after I delivered, my family came for a visit and helped me out during my confinement period. Another few months went by and before we knew it, we'd spent a year in Christchurch.

The second year - Finding that Comfort Zone

The second year was definitely nicer than the first. Some of the things that made me happy were: 1. I managed to adapt to the weather and food, 2. After delivery, I could see my toes again! 3. Alva turned out to be a very settled baby and 4. Hubby and I moved to the city.

We realised that living in Kaiapoi wasn't cost effective as I needed to commute from Kaiapoi to Christchurch every single day. For that reason, we moved to the city and rented a two-bedroom house 1km from the Uni. I loved the idea of being close to the CBD cos there were more things to see and do. China Town market was only 10 minutes walk from home and most of the Chinese restaurants were close by.

As I explored more of Christchurch, I started to feel more settled too. I knew where to find Asian food supplies, get the freshest fish in town and find boutiques that had the best bargains. Another reason why I felt happier was because we had more flexibility to explore the South island after Alva was born. When she turned 4 months, we started to go on road trips during holidays and weekends. Barbecue picnic with friends at the park also became a regular thing for us.

Shanttytown, West Coast



Arthur's Pass

Wellington Zoo

Castle Hill

Queenstown





Fox Glacier

Church of the Good Shepherd, Lake Tekapo

Limestones at Castle Hill

Barbecue at The Groynes

Months went by and before we knew it, we'd spent another year in Christchurch.


The Final Year - Shaken and Stirred

The third year was definitely the most challenging. Like other Cantabrians who were affected by the February 22 earthquake, I had to go through a lot of changes in life particularly in the areas of my study. My office was damaged, my data inaccessible and the whole campus was closed for a few weeks. It was a hard time for everyone. Things slowly picked up in June but they were never the same again. It took the uni 4 months to recuperate from the disaster and another 7 months for everything to go back to normal.

Despite all that gloomy setbacks, I do have a couple of things to be grateful for. After the big quake, mom came to stay  for 3 months to help out with the kids. She did all the cooking, babysitting, cleaning and nagging. Hehe. After she left, dad took over and came to stay with us for 2 months. Dad's a bit laidback in the babysitting area but I didn't mind it at all. Example of being laidback? He'd let the kids EAT Milo and dip their fingers in the peanut butter jar. Siok kan?

Sis and Carol also came for a short visit in September. Thanks to them, hubby and I could travel to Wellington without the kids, and get our certs from the Malaysian High Commissioner. All in all, I was pampered for 5 wonderful months.

After everyone left, it was time to focus on my thesis and spend more time with Yoda. The pressure started to pick up when Yoda told me to get two chapters done by September. Things got so very hectic, I hardly had time for anything else. Two miserable months went by and before I knew it, I'd spent three years in Christchurch. Amazing how time flies eh?

Living here has proven to be a very enlightening experience. I know from time to time, I complain a lot about what's lacking in Christchurch bla bla bla. But then, if I could do it all over again,  I'd probably take the same path.

It has definitely been an interesting journey so far and I reckon things will get even more exciting as my submission date draws near. Wish me luck! :)

A birthday letter from a friend

Dear Alice,

As of today you have spent 33 years on this planet. I know you totally don’t feel like you’re thirty three and I'm here to tell you that it's perfectly normal. I also know that you're very confused as to why you still feel like you're in your mid twenties. Again, this is not unusual. I don't think anyone out there can give you a straight answer as to how a 33 year old should feel or behave.

I wouldn't say that you're in denial cos that means you're pretending that you're not aging. You don't deny your age. In fact, you concede to the physical changes caused by aging. So what's wrong with you? Well, the thing is, your emotional maturity doesn’t match your chronological age. I believe a lot of women suffer from this. Those species from Mars are even worse. They refuse to act their age until they are nearly 60.

Despite not having sufficient emotional maturity, you seem to be doing fine so far. You're married to a man who adores you. You have two wonderful kids who amuse you, a loving and supportive famiy,  loyal friends who'd help when you need them and this blog which helped forge so many virtual friendships. What else could you possibly want? Okay, so maybe you don't have that fancy schmancy walk-in wardrobe you've always dreamed of but that can wait. You just got to be patient. For now, you should count your blessings and thank God for everything.

To be honest with you, I think you still have a lot to improve. One of them is to  learn how to relax and go with the flow. I know you're uptight about your paper work every day, so much so that it impedes your ability to function in society. Like, when you meet new people at a barbecue party and they ask you "So what are you studying?" you'd give them a long chronological report of your research. You'd get so engrossed in explaining how some of your samples almost screwed up Study 2 that you don't notice the look of disdain on their faces. Stop it okay. Not everyone likes to hear about your thesis. Next time, just say hi and talk about the weather. That always works.

The second thing I'd like to point out is your habit to procrastinate. As your friend, I'm begging you to kill this habit once and for all. Seriously. You'd get so much writing done if you'd just stop wasting your time doing other stuff or watching that silly drama called Pretty Little Liars. Come on la, you're not even the target audience. The only reason you watch that show is because you love its wardobe. My advice: don't dilly dally anymore. There's no time like now.

My third advice is don't fret over the small stuff.  One thing you should learn is to pick your battles with the kids. Before reacting, assess the situation and then decide whether it's worth getting mad or not.  For example,

Situation A: Alden doodles on the wall using unwashable crayons. Red crayons. The verdict? Petty. Don't get mad. Just walk away and let your husband deal with it.

Situation B: Alden empties a bottle of eucalyptus oil by pouring it all over the soft toys and then he takes your lipstick and smears it on the doll's face. What do you do?

Shout.

At the top of your lungs.

Although daily babysitting isn't a bed of roses, you should enjoy the wondeful time you have with Alden and Alva. The kids will never be this age again. Before long, Alva won't be able to fit herself into that tiny toy box anymore. When Alden turns 13, you will never hear him say "Wanna lie down on your tummy mummy." When they both enter their teen years, you'll never get to play hide and seek with them anymore. Cherish these adorable moments for they will become wonderful memories in the future.

I know at the moment you feel as if time just whizzes by and that there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything. As I said before, relax. Some things are beyond your control and if you can't get it done, never mind. Don't let  it bother you. Eventually, all will be well.

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. Happy birthday my dear.


Yours truly,

That little voice in your head

Heartstrings

Dad and sis left Christchurch at 1.00 am today. Although I know it won’t be long before we are reunited again, the separation feels unbearable right now. It wasn’t so bad when mom left in July cos I knew dad was coming over for a visit. True enough, when dad came in August, I was back to feeling high.

The whole time he was here, it felt like I was back at home. It has nothing to do with the home cooked meals I had every day. Rather, it's the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when he's around. I have hubby and the kids with me 24/7 but from time to time, I miss being with my family.

When sis, Carol and her mum came over to join dad in September, I was ecstatic. Sis and I were both so psyched about this trip cos we've been talking about it for months. Although she only stayed for 3 weeks, we had an awesome time catching up. What I enjoyed most was having our midnight chats, talking about our childhood and just goofing around with the kids. She’s only been gone for 17 hours but already I’m missing her.

These are some of the pictures I was looking at while trying to pull my heart out of this gloomy state. They were all taken yesterday while we were at John and Kathy’s for lunch.

There’s a huge contrast between what I felt yesterday and today. Funny how I get to experience the same emotion every year. I cried when Alden, hubby and I left for Christchurch in 2008. In 2009, I cried when my family went back home after staying with us for a month. In 2010, the same thing happened when I had to return to CC after spending two months in KK. And then there was last night. It was so sad saying goodbye to dad, sis and Carol. I really felt like asking sis to stay for a while longer. 

Last night's farewell is probably the saddest I've ever felt. But never mind. I'll recover from this momentary depression sometime soon, if not later.

Another decade down

It's that time of the year again - 31st December. The final day and hours of 2009. Can you believe it? I don't know about you but I have this odd sense of obligation to write a last entry in my blog even though I really have nothing to talk about. At this time of the year, most people would probably sit back and reflect on the year thinking about their stand-out moments. I've done that a few weeks ago so I can't do another reflection. I guess I'll just make this short and sweet by wishing everyone a very peaceful, safe and wonderful new year. To family, friends and fellow bloggers who visit my site, thank you for being a part this blog. It's been a year since my first post and I look forward to sharing more wacky and not-so wacky moments with you. Once again, Happy New Year.  

Oops I did It Again!

Back at home, in a beautiful city called Kota Kinabalu, speed limits are mostly 50 km/h in residential areas and 100 km/h on the highways. Speed traps, either in the form of a camera or a radar device, are quite rare. This explains why I have never ever gotten a speeding ticket.

I’m not saying that I have never violated any traffic rules. In fact, I’ve committed a few traffic violations like parking on the kerb at Wisma Sabah (RM50 fine), not wearing seat belts (policeman let me off), parking in a no parking zone (RM80 fine), talking on the phone (got away - another nice policeman!) and double parking (which most people do). Point is, you can get away with lots of traffic offenses in KK.

I haven't been so lucky in Christchurch. During my time here, I've had a few close encounters with the officials. Let's see, I've gotten one infringement notice for parking in towing zone (totally a misunderstanding), a $150 fine for Disabled Parking violation (it was an emergency), another infringement notice for reasons I can't remember and oh, on one occasion, I had my car clamped for parking on grass. That clamping episode was such an experience! Anyway, in total, I have perpetrated 4 traffic violations in CC, not counting the 4 parking tickets issued by the Uni's traffic patrol.

You know where this is going right?

Yesterday's speeding ticket broke that record and now it has amounted to five. The incident occurred at 11.25 a.m when I was driving to the city along Riccarton Avenue. Since I was already late for an appointment, I stepped on the accelerator, a bit harder than I realized. The posted speed limit said 50km/h which I was..ahem, unaware of. As fate would have it, a traffic patrol caught me pushing 67 km/h when I should have been creeping under 50 km. I was asked to pull over and produce my driver's licence on the spot.  I tried to get away by saying "I wasn't aware of the speed limit...", smiling pitifully, hoping he'd have the decency to let it slip. But there was no response. "I'll make this quick" he finally said, as if giving me a life sentence. He wrote my name and address on paper and issued me a whopping $120 fine. I gulped.

So that's how I got a $120 fine: speeding at a pathetic 67km/h.

Trying hard to ignore the icky feeling of being fined, I proceeded to the Cathedral square for my appointment. When I went to the reception, the clerk told me the Manager had asked me to wait for another 40 minutes. She was occupied with something else. Now why didn't she text me and save me all this trouble? I was livid. I refused to wait because I had just spent $120 to get to the Cathedral to to make it on time to see her. For goodness sake, I had a baby with me, doesn't that count for something?

I left, annoyed and upset. I knew my day was ruined unless I get some kind of therapy. There was only one thing to do.

Retail therapy at the mall!

    my favourite shop

A two-hour session was all I needed to feel good again. After all, who can resist a good Christmas Sale? The jewellery was on BUY 1 FREE 1 and the off-season clothes were on 75% discounts!! I licked my wound and bought a few things. I was very well-behaved you see. I only bought one cocktail dress, a bag which was the only one left and a pair of earrings.

I guess yesterday wasn't all that bad :)

On Being Thankful

I came across this list as I was searching for research materials. You might have read it before, but if you haven't..well, it's worth a minute of your time. It reminds us to be grateful for what we have.
               

                 I am thankful for...

• The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
• The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.
• The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
• My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
• A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
• All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
• The space I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
• My huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
• The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
• The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
• Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
• The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.
• Getting too much email bogs me down but at least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.                       

(Author Unknown)  

                                                       

     

 

How about you? What are you thankful for? :)

 

   

TOP 10 LIST-2009

December 8 and still no news from the Academic Manager. Is he playing hide and seek ? Beats me. I’m tired of waiting so I’ll just get on with Plan XYZ. A contingency plan as my supervisor calls it. Don’t know what’s instore for me though. I’m totally counting on him to get past this hurdle. So that’s the plan - executing Plan XYZ. Case closed.

Moving on to greener pastures of thoughts…DECEMBER. A month of celebration for everybody. And like every year, the time to look back and reflect has come. What have I done? Achieved? Discovered? Fulfilled? Failed to do? Regretted not doing? These are questions that haunt me as the year closes. Well, if I were to write  down all the answers to these questions, I could write a book. And if I were graphic and honest enough to reveal all the dirt, it could even be a best seller (this is where you stick out your tongue and throw up, hehehe). So. I'll just make this short and sweet.

Here’s a list of random things in my life that stood out in 2009 - THE TOP 10 LIST

Most annoying/ shocked/depressing/terrifying/ akward moments of 2009

1. Getting a really bad haircut when a Korean hairdresser misunderstood what I said.

2. Getting an infringement notice for parking in a prohibited area. (Sis, please stop shaking your head).

3. Taking Alden to the oral health clinic for his dental surgery and seeing him ‘sleep’ under general anesthesia.

4. Freaking out when Alden had a frebrile convulsion, calling 111, waiting for the ambulance and rushing to the ER.

5. Sending my family to the airport (in July) and crying buckets of tears afterwards.

6. Reading my sister’s text message, saying that dad fell down and his tulang patah.

7. Presenting in my first departmental seminar.

8. Having my sneakers stolen when I was picking up Alden from school. Took them off and left them at the reception and they miraculously disappeared in 5 minutes.

9. Looking at my pay slip for the first time since I started studying and getting a brain freeze afterwards (all allowances were cut off).

10. Missing a $14 million lottery win by one number. (One of the 6 numbers I dreamt didn’t appear in the results and until today hubby is still sore).

Most pleasant/ fulfilling/ exciting/memorable moments of 2009

1. Knowing that I was having a girl and spreading the news to everyone I knew.

2. Getting the Booking Confirmation from Airasia for my balik kg trip next year (after spending almost half a day on the net).

3. Hugging my mom and sister when they arrived in Christchurch.

4. Being able to fit into my favourite jeans again.

5. Getting an A-ok for my research proposal.

6. Being asked to produce a valid ID when I was buying a bottle of wine for Alva’s ‘proxy’ godmother. The legal minimum age for purchasing alcohol in NZ : 18 years old.

7. Told hubby about the above incident the first chance I got and gloat about it. (I mean seriously, that’s such an ego-booster for a mother of 2 like me).

8. Seeing and stealing my first cherry blossoms.

9. Having hubby by my side during delivery and smiling at each other when we saw Alva for the first time.

10. Winning Lotto Division 3 ($1500.00) after seeing the winning numbers in my dream. It could’ve been $14 million but still, it felt really good to win.

There you have it. The good and the bad. 2009 has been a challenging year for me but anyway, nobody gets away with a life full of pleasure with no problems or pain right?

How about you? What’s your reflection?

Janji Kaling

I’m in my office right now. I tell myself it’s really not a good idea to start blogging but I can’t help it. At the moment, it’s very therapeutic to just see words pop up on the spreedsheet as I type. Gives me a sense of satisfaction you know, doing just that. Weird? I guess.

Therapy is needed when you feel like you’re in the brink of madness or when you’re deeply affected by something. My reason is the latter. My research is now in a stationary state, held back by something. Same ol same ol pathetic plot. But seriously, it is hanging by a thread. Why? Because I can’t get access to my subjects. Why? Because the Academic Coordinator hasn’t cleared the logistics. Why? Because he’s too busy. Why? Because it’s almost the end of the semester now. So nothing is within my control, which is why it sucks so much.

I called the fella last Tuesday. Caught him by surprise because we usually communicate via email. He was so apologetic for not getting back to me and promised to email the next day. Quote

I’ll try talking to the tutors again and I promise you an email by 5pm today. 

At 5pm, there was no email. Not on Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday. Janji kaling butul butul.

So this morning I sent him another poilte email, asking for his response. My message was clear:

Look dude, I know you guys are busy with Christmas coming and all but I really need to do this study. I won’t take much of the students’ time. Just two hours. See, I’ve even reduced it to TWO hours. Not SIX long hours. So dude, what do you say? Pleeeeeeeeeease….Pleeeeeeease…..

I didn’t write that of course. The formal version was much more refined and erm…impersonal.

Then after a few hours, I got a reply! Finally!

I clicked on the INBOX and read

Out of Office AutoReply: Research

Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the office. I will be back in the office on 7th December and will attend to your email then. If you require more urgent assistance please direct your email to XXXXXXX

Kind regards

XXXX

I got an Autoreply. Bad omen. He has never ever sent me an autoreply before. I mean previously I’ve been sending him lots of mails but no matter how busy he was there was never an autoreply. So what does this mean? It’s obvious. He’s trying to get rid of me. To him I’m probably like this annoying hand phone salesman who never gives up until he gets to sell a Nokia. The type that wouldn’t stop. You know what I mean? He’s probably right. I will not stop pestering him until I get my two hours. Why can’t he just give me the two miserable hours???

So. Once again, I am stuck. And frustrated. But now that I’ve written about this, I feel a little bit better.

I guess things will have to wait until 7th December . Till then I think I’ll spend more therapeutic moments on the spreadsheet.

Let there be light in the darkness of thesis writing

If I could map out my enthusiasm for my research in a line graph it would probably look like this:

Figure X: Enthusiasm Count for  Thesis Writing

As shown in Figure X above, there was a drastic plunge in May, June, July and at the moment of speaking, in November. This lack of enthusiasm was entirely my fault, being mood-driven and all. I was  uninspired, my work got sloppy and as days went by, I became more and more demotivated.

Suddenly, the unexpected happened; I saw a flashlight in the middle of the tunnel! How did this happen?

You see, a very inspiring session during the recent NZ Postgraduate Conference somehow knocked some sense into me. It gave me a mild concussion but I really needed the wakeup call. I'm still in the tunnel, where everything's dark and unknown but at least now I have a flashlight to guide me through my journey.

The session was facilitated by two presenters who developed a programme to help PhD students succeed in their studies. From this project, they pooled together some valuable tips on how to be a sucessful thesis student. I don't think I can or am legally allowed to relay everything that was presented in the session, so I will just highlight the crucial ones. My version is of course simpler and less refined compared to the authors'.

Here goes...

Most thesis students suffer from two types of diseases:

Readitis
- the belief that reading one more article will solve your research problems (Social Science student)

Experimintitis
- The belief that doing one more experiment will solve all your research problems (Science student)

The moral of the story: You'll never get things done if you have these beliefs.

Myth 1
"I'll get it all clear in my head first and then write it down"
According to the presenters, this is so WRONG because

• writing is not recording
• writing is a creative process
• writing clarifies your thinking

Myth 2
"I'll write when I feel ready and I'm not ready yet" (This is so me)

• You may never feel ready
• You have to write before you feel ready
• That means now!

Just Do It

• Write early and often
• Bingeing vs. Snacking (Writing once in a blue moon vs. writing regularly - a research done has shown that academic staff who wrote 30 minutes everyday produced more journals than those who wrote occasionally)
• Practice the golden hour - write for 2 hours everyday preferably in the morning (our brain is more alert in the morning, it is less used and not distracted by mental chores. Once we read emails, take calls and do stuff, we'll have more difficulty concentrating)
• Assume position (Sit down in front of your pc)
• Stay in position and nail your feet to the floor (Don't go anywhere for 2 hours - be disciplined)

Feedback

• Call supervisors and not wait to be called
• Regular feedback will speed things up
• Ask for specific feedback
• Don't take comments personally

Last but not least, be REALISTIC - It's just a thesis, not a Nobel Prize

Notes taken during Hugh Kearns & Maria Gardiner's presentation entitled Some Secrets from Highly Sucessful Thesis Students at the 2009 NZPGC.

There you have it. The Dos and Don'ts. By applying these tips, struggling students like me can (hopefully) steer off from becoming another statistics in the failure category. Hope this helps :)

Cheers!

WORK is WORK

My dear friend Octavia tells me that the office is a place of solace for her. I can't help but agree 100 percent. Now before you knit your brows and burst “S-O-L-A-C-E? Are you insane??” let me first set the parameter for this perspective. It only applies to moms who get no peace at home, are sleep-deprived and have more than 1 kid to handle. Moms like me okay? Before I became a mother of two, I’d never thought I’d see my office as a secret getaway from my chaotic home. Now, I see it as a place where I get in touch with the outside world and get a grip of sanity. You see, at the office, things are always organized, neat and quiet. There is no annoying background music of Little Einsteins or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing in my head. There isn’t any shouting or screaming that is loud enough to burst my ear drums, causing suicidal behaviour. NO. None of that. To me, the office equals TRANQUILITY. 

Having said that, I must admit not the same can be said about all offices around the world. In fact, most people, no matter how much they love their job, complain about their workplace all the time. The reasons for these complaints are many but two prominent ones are negative behaviour of staff members and social conflicts. Now I'm sure most of us at some point during our working lives have been affected by conflict and negative behaviour in the workplace. The kind of conflict I'm referring to doesn’t take the obvious form of a WWE, hair-pulling fight between colleagues. On the contrary, it is often subtle (hush hush) and may only be visible to those who have been affected by this over a period of time. According to Vivienne Patterson, director at EQ Consultants Christchurch, subtler form of conflicts and negative behaviour can be manifested in many ways: - unfriendly or disparaging comments - minimal communication - ignoring or attempting to ostracize others or simply not wanting to be helpful My friend NS for example, is often ridiculed when she wears something fancy to work. Her colleagues would eye her critically and say something like “Ko ni mau pi menyanyi ka mau pi office?”. This kind of remark is then layered with a smile and a devilish smirk, making it even more irritating. Another friend of mine CL, has to put up with her colleague’s habit of taking stuff from her desk without permission. To maintain harmony in the office, CL has to bury her instinct to strangle the cow (her nick name)and seethe silently. A torture really. I feel for you CL ;-). To both NS and CL, the office is NOT a place of solace. It’s a war zone where façade and diplomacy become weapons for self-defense. The better the façade the safer you’ll be. 

Sooo, where am I getting at? How do we sweep away low-profile conflicts at the workplace? Does a perfect workplace exist? An office where everyone loves everyone and everything is pink and peachy? I think you and I know the answer to that one. Wherever we go, there's bound to be a jackal (or two) who’ll make our lives miserable. And what’s more, we may not be able to kill this jackal because that’s just not the norm. The norm is to ignore conflicts and let them resolve on their own. So what are we to do? Well, we do what’s right. We work our butts off to make a living and focus on the positive sides of things. When we’re down, bored or going insane, we FACEBOOK and play FARMVILLE. Yes. That's what you've been doing right? Okay, if farming in cyberspace doesn’t appeal to you, there are many many more games to choose from in the internet. The point is, don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s just not worth the effort. We gotta live a little :-) By the way, FACEBOOK is a powerful tool that can either make or break you. Look at this: Be careful with your status updates in FB :-)

Mini Milestones

It has been five days since my family left for KK and though I am still sore at heart, I have to admit I’m feeling better now. I guess the recent flow of wonderful weather has put a smile back on my face and a spring back into my steps. For the past three days, the temperatures have peaked at 16 to 19 degrees Celsius and these double-digit temperatures are forecast to continue for another week. Weather experts believe that the shift in the weather and the presence of sunshine in the afternoons are indication of an early spring this year. I hope they are right about this cause I can’t wait to see the cherry blossoms!

As the season slowly transits from winter to spring, my life somehow goes through a transition of its own. I am now a mother of two and in a few more weeks, I have to come out from post-maternity hibernation and get back to campus *shiver*. I can imagine how chaotic my life will be once that happens. Come to think of it, my life at home is already chaotic, with the screaming, “Alden, don’t spill your Milo!”, the house chores “Alden, clean up your toys!” and sleepless nights, “Dear wake up, can you burp her?”. Yes, I am going through a MAJOR transition. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining at all…simply sharing the bits and pieces of what you’d expect to get when you have an adorably naughty three-year-old and a newborn baby to care for. The effects have started to show and they are now etched on my face. My way of handling all this pressure? Anti-aging moisturizers and secret retail therapy….Shhh….

Anyway, let’s take a breather from the chaos at home and focus on baby Alva instead. Alva's first month has flown by and we celebrated her full moon two weeks ago, when my family was still here. She's now 5 weeks and 6 days old and at 4.01 kg, she’s already acquiring quite a vocabulary of coos and murmurs. She's beginning to smile a lot, a habit she’s developed in her sleep and it's so adorable! Her sleeping smiles give me a hint that she’s going to be a fun little girl, just like her brother.

So far, she has been such a well-behaved baby in the sense that she doesn’t drive me up the walls at night with endless cries for food. She wakes up for a feed a couple of times and after burping she goes right back to sleep. With Alden, the midnite feedings and cries were so frequent. When Alva's not asleep, I try to give her some 'tummy time' and show her a picture book in monochrome. According to my midwife, tummy time is a vital part of the baby's development as important muscles used for moving and exploring are strengthened. Sure enough, Alva enjoys looking at monochrome pictures, lifting her head like a turtle, moving it from side to side as she lies on her tummy. After a minute or two, she gets tired and with a few strokes on her back she dozes to sleep. Isn't that wonderful? This time around baby sitting is so much more relaxed and easy. I know it's probably too early to count my blessings but instincts tell me Alva's good behaviour will linger. As spring draws near, I'm not only excited to see tulips bloom in full swing, I'm just as eager to capture Alva's tiny milestones with my camera :-)

Home is where the heart is

Time really flies. 27 days ago, my family came all the way from KK to be with me during my confinement. Those 27 days came and went like a gush of wind...The minutes, hours and days seemed shorter and just like that, they're gone. When they were here, I got the old taste of home which was so warm, loving and wonderful. It was just as wonderful as I had imagined for many many months. It felt so good to have them here that I momentarily 'forget' the luxury was temporary. I had forgotten how painful it was to say goodbye to them 9 months ago. I had forgotten how difficult it was to hold my tears. I had forgotten how sad it felt to let go.

Five hours ago, I was reminded of all those feelings as I waved my family goodbye. As I walked out from the departure hall, I tell myself that it will be okay. I am not 'okay' right now but I will be...All I need is time.

   

I dedicate this poem to my sister. 

Dear Cha 

If I could have my way, 

I'd fly back to KK, I'll forget about PhD, 

so I can keep you company; 

If I could have my way,

I'd ask and beg you to stay,

I'll get you a visa and you say "okay" 

We'd go shopping at Westfield every day; 

If I could have my way, 

I'd fast forward this journey, 

Tomorrow would be graduation day, 

I'd be home, with my victory; 

Sadly, I can't have my way you see, 

I know it's tough for you and me, 

But that day will come I guarantee, 

I'll graduate, just wait and see. 

Love U :-)