Crawling to the light at the end of the tunnel

source: google images

I am currently in the miserable stage of finishing my thesis. After coming back from KK last Saturday, I have lost all momentum in writing. I am aware of  what needs to be done but every part of my thesis seems too overwhelming right now. I know you're like, WAIT, you're going to talk about your thesis AGAIN?! That's it! I'm outta here. I completely understand your disgust. Believe me, I am sick of it myself but no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop thinking about it. Since I cannot see your digusted look, I am going to continue typing and give myself the much needed therapy.

Let's start the session. Now what would a shrink ask me if I were in one's office? I think the first question would be "What upsets you?" My answer: My f****** thesis!

Next question, "What's wrong with your thesis?"

My long-winded answer:

Everything. You see, my thesis consists of 6 chapters. So far, I have only written three and none of them has been edited by Yoda. He has promised to give me some feedbacks a while ago but until now he hasn't delivered. Ever since he was promoted as the Head of the Jedi High Council, he's been slow in giving feedbacks. Changed, he has.

Anyway, I have started writing Chapter 6, which is the BIG discussion chapter that weaves all the findings together, and it is totally draining me. For this chapter, Yoda tells me to write an overview of all the three studies I've done and  summarize the findings in one section. Easier said than done of course. Once I've written that part, I need to proceed with the research implication section, which is divided into two categories; practical/pedagogical and theoretical.

The practical bit is manageable. It's the theoretical part that cripples me. I find it hard to make a decision on which theory to focus on as I have 3 different studies with various findings. Yoda tells me to come up with a theoretical framework of some sort based on the findings I've gathered. He has obviously overestimated my capability! He said he has a vision of what this framework looks like but he hasn't showed it to me. In writing this chapter, Yoda has warned me not to make flimsy suggestions or come up with implications which are not backed up by strong findings. In other words, the theoretical implications I present must transparently reflect the outcomes of my three studies. Do you understand my dilemma?

We're role-playing now. Just nod like a shrink, will you? Thanks.

How about the rest of the chapters? Well, I am not that worried about Chapter 1 'cos I think I can write it up in a week (I'm puffing hot air).  It's Chapter 2 I'm worried about. Paraphrasing tons of literature is a daunting task and I hate having to remember the rules that go with it. My game plan is to consume an enormous amount of caffeine for a week and write the Lit Review as if my life depended on it. Pretty ambitious eh? If I can pull this off  and tidy up the rest of the chapters, I can potentially submit my thesis in April!! You know, the moment I finished typing that, I asked myself "What? You seriously think that's possible?". Not even the voice in my head is convinced. Sometimes I wish she'd shut up.

For the next few weeks, I know I am going to be a mess. When I get too caught up with work, there will be lots of episodes of disorientation and clumsiness. Like yesterday for example, Alden's teacher pointed out that I was wearing my cardigan inside out. I wasn't even bothered by it. I was like oh, my baju terbalik pula. Bagus bili jackpot ni ari!

Now back to the topic. My thesis. I know I must complete it, no matter what. There are some issues that I need to sort out like getting Yoda's feedback and doing more reading on the literature. That's not a problem. I think the thing that stops me from getting ahead is myself, particularly my lack of focus and consistency. If I can just snap out of this self-made rut, I should be fine. At the end of the day, it's not the mountain I need to conquer, it's myself.

I guess that wraps up our session. Thanks for being a great shrink.