Told Yoda the truth, I have

Yesterday, I had a brief meeting with Yoda. It started with our usual semi-formal discussion about the progress of my work, what I've done, what I struggle with and the development of my thesis. Since I haven't started writing Chapter 6, I decided to talk about the SALT analysis findings.

Yoda asked me to summarize what I did, so I listed down the types of errors I found and the ways in which I have coded them. To aid his comprehension, I also provided examples from the essays. After 5 minutes of talk, I saw an unfamiliar expression on his face. It read : What the hell is she talking about? Okay. So maybe my explanation was a bit disorganised. Regardless, it felt good to know that my Jedi master was capable of being confused. So how does it feel like to be in my shoes? I asked him.

Well, silently of course.

So anyway, since the old jedi  didn't say anything, I continued talking about the codes and the interesting findings I came across. That's when he broke his silence.

"Now explain to me the difference between an error of utterence, EU and  word order, WO."

Hmm. Easy peasy.

Me: The code [WO] is a word-level error code used to mark words that are used in the wrong order. The code [EU] is used to mark errors that cannot be associated with a specific word...or when the whole sentence just doesn't make sense.

Yoda: Right. *knit brows*

Yoda: So how would you code She horses rides?

Me: Pardon me?

Yoda: She horses rides. Is that an error of utterence or word order?

Crap! Mesti juga mau tanya soalan muhau.

Me: Ermmm...Both I guess. It's a word order error and also an EU. I'm not sure though..

The jedi smiled.

Yoda: Indeed. It's a bizzare sentence. She horses rides is more like Yoda-speaking in Starwars. We might not find any in the transcripts but anyway, have a chat with B and get some feedback. Also, have a think about the apostrophe error. Bla bla bla bla bla.

I wasn't listening anymore. I was dumbstruck cos he mentioned the word Yoda. I never told him or any of my colleagues that he's Yoda. Our discussion continued for some time before he finally said

"Is there anything else we need to discuss?"

Me: No..But there is something that I want to tell you..I hope you won't be offended...

Yoda: Oh God...*feigning a worried expression*

Me: I actually call you Yoda. I mean, when I talk about you, I address you as Yoda. All of my friends know this......When you mentioned Starwars I just had to tell you.

Yoda senyum sampai nampak semua gigi dia. Btw, ada 1 gigi atas hilang.

Yoda: Golly!! So you have been talking about me. Now if  I'm Yoda, that makes B...

Me & Yoda: Obi Wan Kenobi

Yoda: Indeed! Then you must be... Luke Starwalker?

Me: Yes! *over-excited*  Luke Skywalker not Starwalker. I'm the apprentice!

Yoda: Aahh.. but of course.. So I'm Yoda *squares shoulders* Mmmm...I like that. 

There was an akward pause after that but only for a few seconds.

Yoda: Alright then. I've got to run cos I have a class at 11. See you next week I will!  

Me: Yes! See you I will! 

And that's how Yoda found out that he is Yoda. Who would've thought that I had the guts to tell him? Hehehe. That was the best meeting EVER.

Write a Great Story, I must

I haven’t written for ages because of my thesis. I don’t even have the privilege of surfing the net without thinking about it. It’s like a disease you know. Plaguing my entire being; body, mind and spirit.
 

I'm not being dramatic. Just two months ago, I was diagnosed with hypertension and was advised to meditate and loosen up. That's the physical effect. Mental effect? Well, for a start, my mind is screwed. I can’t stop thinking about SPSS and those numbers in the spreadsheet. I see them when I’m driving, sleeping, eating and even when I’m meditating. I’m probably doing it all wrong cos I don't really know any meditation teachniques. How do you really meditate when that little voice in your head just won't shut up? 

"Ba, meditate...Should I sit cross-legged?
Macam nda ngam saja ni....is this meditation?

After 3 minutes....

How long should I do this ah?
Nah! lupa tingu jam... haiya, let's start over

Reset
Okay, now stop talking and start meditating la.
Ba, meditate....

Hopeless.

BUT. All is not lost. After a few attempts, I came up with a great technique which is so easy! Just spell the word N-O-T-H-I-N-G in your head and repeat it over and over again until all you could picture is N-O-T-H-I-N-G. You can also picture the word in colours, if that makes you happy. Smart eh? My sister says I’m losing it.

Okay. Spiritual effects? Well, let’s just say I have turned into a gloomy, low-spirited mortal who doesn’t get excited over petty stuff anymore. Before this thing called PhD, I see myself as a bubbly, person who gets excited over a little scrunchie or when there’s a season-clearance sale at Pagani, or when GLEE is playing on TV. Not anymore. Now, I have this big catastrophy to worry about, so all fun things in the world can wait.

And then there's Yoda. Yoda, Yoda, Yoda. He holds the key to everything cos he is the only one with the light sabers and I mean heaps and heaps of them. He's a light saber hoarder I tell you! As my jedi master, one would think that he'd arm me with one of his lights sabers to help clear off the dark confusion in my thesis-writing right? No. He is one luki fella. He said he'll only give it to me IF I tell him a great story.

That's the catch.

I would love to write him that great story but I don't know what the plot is. There're so many characters involved and everything is super complicated. Of course, in my story, these characters are called variables, dependent and independent variables, and all of them are having an affair with each other. Interesting right?

Anyway, this is the gist of what transpired during our discussion yesterday. Do you mind reading this with an accent? Yoda's a British.

Yoda: Now, I want you to tell me a story. What do the numbers mean? (Looking at me intently)

He was referring to the statistical analyses. I told him what I knew but each answer led to a new question.

Yoda: Right. At this stage, you need to look at these analyses and think about what they mean. And then you need to come up with a diagramatic framework of writing strategies....(discussion about correlation results followed)

I said Okay to everything.

Yoda: Now, let's look at the results again. What can you tell me? Why do you think it appears as negative in Group A and C but not in Group B? 

I was clueless.

Yoda: It's okay to say I don't know. 

Me: I don't know.

Yoda: Okay. Let's see....Maybe.....bla bla bla bla bla bla...

He came up with a brilliant argument to describe the results so I tried to jot down every single thing he said.

Me: Can you repeat that Yoda?

Yoda: Nope nope nope! I'm not going to do that. (smiling smugly)

Me: You said something about a new strategy progressing...an effect of increased L2 proficiency???

Yoda: Yes, somewhere along those lines. Work on that argument.(still smiling smugly)

Baboon ba si Yoda ni. Tambah lagi my high blood pressure.

Yoda: So, as I was saying, you need to have a think about what these numbers mean. Don’t give up when things get difficult, cos it’s supposed to be.

There was a pause....He was looking at me to see if I was paying attention.

Yoda: You need to extract whatever is in here (points to head) and get them down on paper. This is when your brain explodes (hand gestures demonstrating an explosion) cos there’s just too much for the brain to take!!!

I'm kidding (He chuckled)

How is that funny?! It isn't funny at all! I'm starting to think that he likes seeing me suffer.

Yoda: Now have a think about it, and tell me a story when you're ready. Same time next week?

That's why I haven't written. I need a plot for my big story.

Anyway, Gong Xi Fa Cai to all of you who celebrate the occasion. May the force be with you.

Non Compliance - Part 2

As promised, here's a recollection of what happened this morning.

At 8.55 a.m. I went to see Mr. M who is in-charge of Class X. I was told that he had explained to the students about my work and that they were okay with it. This was important as I needed their full cooperation in class.

We got to the classroom at exactly 9.00 a.m. and I could see that all seven students were already waiting for us. They were all female and in my biased opinion, they were much much  older than me. I'm not being vain here. I could tell they were older cos most of them wore a distinct kind of attire that shouts AUNTY.

After the five-minute scan, I started the session by telling them a little bit about my research and what I needed them to do. I assured them that the tasks they were doing had not effect on their grades and that  their identity would be anonymous. To end my little speech, I thanked them for their participation and gave them my brightest smile ever. Sadly, none of them returned the gesture. But that was fine. I couldn't let it bother me.

The first task involved a questionnaire survey. I distributed the paper and told them to take their sweet time. When they got the handouts, they started flipping the pages and examined each section thoroughly. When they realised that there were over 60 questions involved, things started to get a  little bit ugly. Five of them started making faces and the other two began exchanging paragraphs and paragraphs of dissatisfaction in Chinese. I understand Chinese, but I couldn't really grasp what the two were talking about. From their body language however, I could tell that they were not happy with the task.  Since none of them had the guts to tell me how they felt, I refused to acknowledge their hesitance and pretended everything was cool.

After a minute or so, they decided to get on with the task and started concentrating on the questions. Phew! I let out a silent sigh of relief. Thirty minutes later, they were done. I collected the papers and secured them in my bag. Now, it was time for Task 2. Essay Writing. I took out the handouts and laid them on the table. As I was about to distribute the papers, the students started looking at each other. Confused. I ignored the negative response and proceeded with the distribution. Once everyone had gotten the paper, I explained the task briefly and told them to start. This time, they rebelled. From this point onwards, I shall refer to them as Aunty 1 -  7 okay?

Aunty 1 looked at the handout with disdain and gave me a stare which echoed "Are you kidding me?"

Aunty 2 took the paper and shoved it in her file, as if telling me she'd do it in 2012 if or when she feels like it.

Aunty 3 took out her note book and purposely laid it on the questionnaire. There was a loud thud! She looked at me stonily with her arms defensively folded across her chest, like cari gaduh kind of expression.

Aunty 4 and 5 (the two who spoke in Chinese earlier) started doing what they do best: exchanging paragraphs and paragraphs of complaints in Chinese.

Aunty 6 was the one and only student who wasn't rude to me. She was too worried about not being able to write the essay and she even requested a copy of the questionnaire so she could learn something.


This is the best.
Aunty 7 raised her hand and told be blatantly "I don't want to write." Wow kan? You've got to admire her candidness.

While digesting all this, part of me wanted to shout "Why can't you just do it? JUST DO IT!!!!" and then there was also that fragile part of me that wanted to run in a corner and cry my heart out. I did neither.

I asked them "Is there a problem?" They just sat there, talking with each other in Chinese. They were  obviously giving me the cold shoulder. One of them said something about not liking the topic and another one said wo pu yau se (I don't want to write) to her friends. 

I decided to try a different approach. I tried explaining to the students the reasons behind the writing activity and  how it would affect the study as a whole. I explained everything in detail to make them feel more involved in the study. When I was done, I expected them to soften a little. But NO. These aunties were not only rude, they were heartless too. They just sat there looking unconvinced and uninterested, as if they  were watching paint dry you know. Some of them shook their heads. That was the final blow.

I wasn't going to force them to write if they didn't want to so I told them to return all the handouts. I gathered  my stuff and prepared to leave. I wanted to walk away calmly, without saying a word, but I couldn't control the word vomit that was coming out of my mouth.

"You know, before agreeing to participate in this study, you should really think hard before you say yes. You said yes  to your tutor and that means you were willing to commit. I am here because he told me you all said YES. You have wasted my time!"

I guess that wasn't exactly how I said it but it's somewhere along those lines. I can't remember word by word cos the stuff just came out spontaneously.

The whole incident wasn't really that bad but I hated the feeling it evoked. I was left feeling frustrated, angry and defeated. The last time I was challenged like that was when Mark refused to lompat katak and that wasn't even half as bad as this one. But like Yoda said, we have to be prepared for the unexpected because we have no control over our subjects. He's right. That's what I've learnt today.

It's time to switch to Plan B cos I am through with students from College X.

Non Compliance - Part 1

Mr W finally sent me an email confirming the time and place for my data collection work. That was Tuesday. I was thrilled when I got the news cos I had wanted to work with those students so badly. The time given was Thursday, between 9.00 to 11.00 and the target participants were seven advanced-level students who taught IELTS in their home country. 

Now before I get into that, let me tell you about my experience of dealing with non-compliance and defiance in the classroom. This may sound off-topic but I need to give you some background information on this issue so you could understand the crap I had to go through this morning.

Several years ago, I taught English in a suburban secondary school in Papar. My students were 13 year-old kiddos who had just graduated from Primary School. Despite being in Form One, most of them still behaved like 6 year-olds. The boys especially. Anyway, one fateful day, while I was teaching in class, one student decided to cause trouble by displaying some unacceptable classroom behaviour. I have forgotten what he did but it totally disrupted the lesson and started a commotion in class. The boy's name was Mark. As a form of punishment, I told him to stand up. To my surprise, Mark refused to stand up. He just sat there, acting cool as if I didn't exist. When this happened, the rest of the class went really silent and turned their attention towards me. I could feel my face turning hot as I saw red. Bright RED.

Challenged and angry, I ordered Mark to get out of the classroom and go to the basketball court. Since I wasn't one of those scary teachers who bring a cane everywhere, Mark didn't think I was serious. He wouldn't budge and just sat there looking smug. That did it! I went to his table, looked at him in the eye and shouted the words at the top of my lungs: OUT, RIGHT NOW! That took a lot of energy from me but I managed to get him out. I know what you're thinking. I should have kept my cool, but I was 22 -  young and inexperienced.  

So. Mark got to the basketball court and stood there. The smug expression was still plastered on his face. To my students' delight, I brought them all out to watch the show: The English teacher vs. Mark. I told Mark what he did was unacceptable and that all he needed to do was say sorry. Mark kept quiet. Three minutes passed by and still no apology. Fine. He left me no choice. My dignity as a teacher was at stake so I had to do something. To punish him, I asked him to do the leap frog action by squatting down on all fours and jump around the basketball court. "Lompat katak 5 pusingan! Sekarang!" I spoke in Malay, stressing the word sekarang. Mark started to squat down but that was as far as he went. It was obvious that he wouldn't degrade himself in front of his peers. The whole class looked at me with the expression: What now?

I didn't want to shout like a teacher gone psycho so I left the kids in search of Cikgu Edward. He's the Discipline teacher and the most fearful person in school. I told Edward what happened and requested for his assistance. He was more than willing to help. When Edward got to the basketball court, the look on Mark's face was priceless. Edward roared "Lompat katak sekarang juga! Ikut arahan Cikgu Alice!!" and Mark went leaping like a frog in a race. After 3 rounds, tears started spilling down his cheeks and I began to feel sorry for him. I told him  to stop and got the other kids to get back to their classroom. By now, Mark was sobbing uncontrollably. What followed next was a tearful apology from Mark and me giving him a stern warning to not repeat the same offence. That was the first time I had to deal with a defiant student in class.

This post is not about ways of dealing with classroom misbehaviours or the most effective approach in minimising them. I thought about this incident because a similar thing happened to me this morning. You see, after years of teaching in the Uni, I'm so used to having students comply to my instructions and requests. From time to time, there may be grunts and sighs and hate-you faces but in the end, my students normally do what they are told. To be honest with you, I never had a lot of trouble with this. So when something like today happened, naturally, I'd feel upset. It was so unpleasant because I was suddenly reminded of my current status as a student and that I have no authority in class. 

Remember Mark? Well, during my data collection session today, I had the greatest misfortune to work with seven non-complying students who were exactly like Mark. Except, they were all teachers and they all looked older than me. What really happned? I'll tell you all about it in Part 2.

Driving on A Graveled Road

Last Tuesday when I met the manager, he told me that he'd email me a schedule for my data collection work on Wednesday. He was certain that it was going to be either Thursday or Friday and seeing how confident he was, I had my hopes up high.
 

As it turned out, there was no email from him on Wednesday. Not surprising at all but I was disappointed nonetheless. I didn't know what to do. Should I wait for his email or barge in his office like I did on Tuesday? It  finally dawned on me that where Mr W is concerned, getting an email could take from a day to three thousand years. So to speed things up, I decided to pop up in his office yesterday.

When he saw me he had this OMG expression that said "Oh I forgot!". It was as though he hadn't seen me for months and that it was natural for him to forget about my request. He was all apologetic and nice telling me how sorry he was for not talking to the tutors and failing to arrange a time for me to meet the students.  He simply FORGOT! Inside, I was broken to pieces but outside I was calm and aloof. I've got used to his patheticness. 

He took out a post-it note and wrote down "Must talk to Mr. M about Alice's research" in big clear fonts and then he pura pura stuck the paper on his computer. Yeah right. How old does he think I am? Twelve? It was as though he was telling me: "Look Alice. I'm writing it down here, in my MUST DO LIST. I'm going to stick it on my PC so I won't forget. SEE?"  He doesn't take me seriously at all.

If he had taken me seriously, I wouldn't be in this position right now. 

Today's a Friday and nothing's happening. No email and no news from him yet so that means everything is halted. This situation is somewhat similar to driving on a graveled kampung  road. You're  happily driving  to your grandma's house when suddenly out of nowhere a herd of karabaus  decide to do a catwalk on the road. You've got no choice but to brek mati and wait. In the process of waiting, you get to see these stupid karabaus poo on the road and before you know it, you are faced with piles and piles of dung. That's what karabaus like to do - give you shit when you least expect it. All you need to do is wait and  drive through the shitty road when they're done. 

That's what I'm doing right now. Wait for the shit to clear.

OMG! I suddenly have a revelation! Mr W is the Karabau! kannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn????????????

I guess waiting is the only option now. I'm not myself at the moment so please excuse this sulky, negative and uninspiring post. Happy Friday anyway.

Thick Face

I had a metting with the manager this morning. Hold on. That's not quite right. What I meant to say was I went to the college, peeked to see if he was in and then pop up at his door uninvited. This time, I didn't bother emailing or giving him a courtesy call cos based on the many experiences I had with his answering machine, I knew I'd never get a reply. So. This morning, I gave him a surprise visit and showed up at his office unexpectedly. I figured if I pester him long enough, he'd eventually get sick of me and give me what I want.

I'm quite good at reading people's facial expression and judging from Mr. W's this morning, it wasn't good. It spelt: NO! NOT YOU AGAIN! He tried to hide this but I caught that look in his eyes. That inscrutable expression that said I wasn't welcome. And then he sneezed, a loud one at that. And I knew at that moment he's started to develop some kind of allergic reaction to something. When I sat down, he sneezed again, for the second time. There was only one explanation. It's not because of the winter bug or anything. He was allergic to me! Ahh...poor fellow. I sort of pitied him for having to put up with me for a whole semester. But being desperate, one has to be tabal muka in order to achieve one's goal. Mine was to get 15 guinea pigs for my research. By hook or by crook.

After some very good negotiations, he decided to give me one slot for my data collection session. An upper intermediate class comprising about 7-8 students. Well, I wanted 15 but beggars can't be choosers. I quickly took the offer and got out from his office before he changed his mind.

I'm starting to feel a bit more settled now but not entirely. Until I get my seven subjects, I won't be able to relax. I hope everything materialises on Friday. Fingers crossed.

Not Everything is Nice and Peachy

Don't you feel like this year's moving a little too fast? Well, I do.

Now that it is July, things are getting pretty hectic at the office. There are tons of stuff to do and half of them are beyond my control. This includes getting new students for my research and a time-slot for data collection sessions.

I thought I had everything covered 4 weeks ago but as fate would have it, some of my respondents decided to screw with me by not returning my questionnaire. They did Task A (Essays) and Task B (tests) but NOT the questionnaire. Why? Because their tutors who are such geniuses told them to do it at home. UNSUPERVISED. And you know what happens when you give students stuff to do at home without telling them it's important right? They just won't do it. There was no pressure from the tutors whatsoever so the kids just didn't bother. I can't begin to explain how shocked I was when they told me this. I just stood there like a frozen statue. 

Point is, the data's tainted and now I'm left with only 15 respondents.The fact that I've paid a second examiner to do the second marking for ALL the essays makes me feel like...I don't know...like I've been ripped off I guess. More than half of the essays are useless now cos I can't correlate the scores with non-existent questionnaire scores. This means I have to do everything all over again in exactly three weeks' time.  Three weeks before my balik kampung trip. There goes the siren of my panic button.

All this crap plus the cold shoulder treatment from the academic manager of College X made me feel so defeated. And last Saturday I went to the cathedral for my usual volunteering shift in that state: moody and volatile.

When I got there, Mr. Q was so pleased to see me cos I had invited him to Alva's birthday party  the previous week. He obviously enjoyed the treat and couldn't stop gushing about the  food at the party. He was yakking about the chicken herbal soup and the noodles and how delicious they were bla bla bla. I told him "Glad you enjoyed them" with a tone that signaled END OF CONVERSATION cos I wasn't in the mood to talk. But he just wouldn't stop you know. He went on talking about hubby's chicken nibbles and the herbal soup (again!) and the noodles. This herbal soup + noodles conversation went on for three more cycles in the period of an hour. At one point, I got so annoyed that I looked away when he was talking to me. I hated feeling so rotten in church but all I wanted to do was shut him up with a mop. He just wouldn't stop! I think he  is seriously weird. I mean, he's like 45 years old with 13 years of guiding experience, working with people etc. but he couldn't even read my facial expression.  

Lucky for me, a Singapore Airline air hostess came just in the nick of time. She wanted a tour of the cathedral so Mr. Q was more than willing to oblige, seeing how gorgeous the lady was. So off they went. After 20 minutes, he was done with the tour. I could see that he was heading back to my spot so I quickly went the opposite direction and headed to the door. I didn't think I could take another version of his chicken nibble story. I wandered outside the cathedral and saw a bunch of kids doing the Haka.

After taking a few pictures, I felt better. I still thought Mr. Q was a moron but I wasn't mad anymore. I decided to end my shift a little bit early and headed to the souvenir shop across the street. I bought a few stuff like printed towels, Kiwi soft toys and of course some cool fridge magnets. And then I got home.

 
This post doesn't have 'the moral of the story' or a hidden lesson etc. It doesn't even have a good closure. I  just wrote aimlessly cos I needed the therapy. :)

Why I love Yoda

I am feeling high again. As in HIGH HIGH HIGH, roller coaster high. Why? Cos I've just had a meeting with Yoda today and FYI, every single meeting with Yoda  is a revelation. He's a true Jedi Master, who knows all and sees all. Taught me well, Yoda has! I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.  You know that song? Hehehe.

As with most meetings with Yoda, there's the good stuff and there's the bad. The good thing is, I now know what to write about and how to write it! Yay! I'm talking about my thesis of course. You see, more than half the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about cos my head is constantly filled with these thoughts: What's my point already? Can anybody understand this? How do I paraphrase XYZ's statement? Do I sound academic enough? It's like I'm floating in a cloud of uncertainty, where everything is fuzzy and blurry and confusing. But after meeting Yoda, I got my Aha! moment and suddenly everything seemed to make perfect sense. Knowing what to do next is just splendid!

Okay, the bad news is, there are tons and tons of scribbles on my papers and that means I have a gazillion of amendments to do. This plus some extra literature I need to include in the discussion  part and conclusion. Having said that, I'm so thankful for the scribbles because they practically tell me where to go, what to say and how to say it. I don't have to crack my head and use 90% of my brain cells to interpret one small data set. I don't need to spend 5 days writing the discussion section. And I don't need to hit my head on the wall when I have a writer's block while attempting to write the conclusion. Why? Cos I have Yoda's precious scribbles!

As you can see, I have a lot to work on. Yoda tells me "you're getting there" but that's the only encouragement he offered. Not that I expected extra credit  btw. I just felt that today, he was more serious than usual. I guess while marking my inscrutable paper,  all the joy of being a supervisor was sucked out of his being. He confirmed this, more or less.

Me: I hope my writing didn't drive you cookoo (smiling weakly)

Yoda: Ooohh...yes. I can't even begin to describe it. It drove me cookoo alright! (Feigning a disgusted expression, eyebrows raised + eye roll!) Now work on that bit and send it across when you're done. I'll see you on Tuesday.

And that's how he left me. Isn't that priceless?

18 months to go

My recent meeting with Professor X went pretty well. Once again he has put me back on track. Despite feeling good about the meeting, I can't help feeling like a second fiddle next to Kusai, my officemate  (not real name).

Since both Kusai and I share the same supervisor, we both had our meeting on the same day in our own little office. As always, his appointment came first and mine second. I had to sit at my desk and wait for him to finish before I could have my time with Professor X.  During the meeting, Kusai talked about the progress of his research and the work that he has carried out. Although I appeared to be occupied and  indifferent to what he was saying, I was partially eavesdropping the whole time. Well, technically I wasn't really eavesdropping cos they both knew I was in the room. Let's just say, I was multi-tasking. 

So anyway, I overheard Kusai talking about his research; the laborious data collection procedure,  smooth data analysis, his helpful co-researchers and the generous funding he's getting from  the institution. By the time he finished, my ears were bleeding with envy and I momentarily became this green-eyed monster.

When it was my turn to report, I felt so...inadequate. I don't know if that's the right adjective to describe my feelings but that's how I'd phrase it. INADEQUATE. I told Professor X everything about my data collection procedure which was much simpler compared to Kusai's, my research samples which were relatively smaller compared to Kusai's and the agonizing data analysis which I was still struggling to do. When I finished, Professor X smiled and said "Well done!" Even though he only said it twice during our discussion (Kusai got 7 well-dones btw) I was happy and instantly motivated.

The meeting gave me a great boost cos it made me realize how inefficient I've been. Never mind the babysitting and chicken pox attack. Those are excuses. I need to wisen up, work harder and overcome my inadequacy or should I say inadequacies. I don't want to be second fiddle anymore. I want to go beyond Professor X's expectations and see the look of awe on his face when he sees my work. And I have exactly 18 months to do that. I'd better get started now :)

Losing Momentum

The past five days have been challenging. Not so much because of Alden's chicken pox ordeal, but because of being stuck at home with the kids and not having ME time to do stuff.

This worries me because I have several deadlines to meet next week. I thought of taking them to the office but after how things went last Wednesday, I changed my mind. Alden had made such a lasting impression on my supervisor that the thought of him in my office is unbearable.

I had an appointment with Professor X that Wednesday. I knew it was impossible to have  them both with me during the meeting so I decided to send Alden to school for an hour. He was not allowed to, but according to the teacher, if the spots have all dried and scabbed over, he could come. So that morning, I got creative and started working on his cosmetic appearance. I slapped on heaps of calamine lotion on his spots and made them look dry. To emphasize this  effect, I also put on some Fobian lotion and powder to maximize the coverage. I then dressed him up in a turtle neck top and a pair of jeans and then we were all set!

We got to school at exactly 10.30 a.m. Alden was excited but I was nervous. Upon reaching the entrance, Debs (the senior headteacher) took one look at Alden and her eyes bulged out like ping-pong balls. The  make-up obviously didn't work. She was all "Oh no Alice, he can't come". Then came the lecture about the stages of chicken pox...bla bla bla. When she was done, we both headed to the door, dejected. 

I had to bring them both to the office. So I put Alva in the portacot and got Alden to sit at my roomate's desk. I switched on the PC, searched for Thomas and Friends on YouTube and let the video do the babysitting. So far so good. Few minutes later, Professor X came. He was a bit surprised to see them but after my explanation, he smiled understandingly. 

So we started talking about my research, data analysis and SPSS. Just when things were ticking along nicely, Alden started his first drama. He wanted to watch a different clip.  He pointed to the  screen  in exasperation and shouted "this, this, this". I excused myself, rushed to his desk and clicked play. Discussion resumed for another 10 minutes and then there was another tantrum. This time he didn't want Thomas, he wanted Sponge Bob instead. Fine. I rushed to his desk, clicked the thumbnail on the screen and begged him to behave. I smiled at Professor X and aplogized for the disturbance but he was so cool about everything. "It's okay. Don't worry bout it" he said.

We then continued our discussion about SPSS. Things started to get interesting cos he was teaching me how to create a new variable using the transform function. I was so into it, first click Transform, Compute and  then..."Mama, O-O" came Alden's voice. He started jumping up and down restlessly. "Mama! O-O!!" he  shouted again. This time he wanted to poop. Such perfect timing! I told Alden to wait but of course he couldn't wait. The poop was coming out. He cried and cried histerically saying "O-O! O-O!". Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, Alva started crying too. By now, the room was a total chaos; Alden's on the verge of pooping in front of my supervisor, Alva's crying at volume no 10 and  I was  there looking at my babies in panic. Then came the smell. A very distinctive smell that filled the entire room. It was none other than Alden's silent burst of flatulence! Isn't that priceless? I was horrified. Before I could decide what to do, my kind professor excused himself and told me not to worry about the meeting. He would set up another one next week. The smell was probably too much for him.

So everything has to be put on hold now. Work, fitness class, academic writing etc. I think I've lost lost some momentum but I'm hoping to catch up next week. For the time being, I'll just stay cooped up at home until he's recovered. One thing's for sure, I am not going to bring Alden to the meeting next week

Being a Martian

            

As a teacher, I've encountered so many different types of students in class. The Einstein who is always holding a notebook and ahead of everybody. The Critic who watches  your every move and  notices your newly pedicured toes. The Quiet one who remains cool even though there's a natural disaster happening.  The Energizer who's always fired up about everything, from the lesson to the handouts to the homework, you name it. The Hippie who's laid back and couldn't care less about school. The CNN who knows everything about every other student. And finally, the Martian from outer space, confused by the world around her. I think at this moment, I belong in this category - lost and disoriented in my own little world.

Everything about my study is so confusing right now and it just frustrates me to no end. These past few days, I've been sitting at home, staring at this book entitled A Guide to Doing Statistics in Second Language Research, hoping for some kind of miracle to happen. Like having the ability to absorb information. The staring part is actually a way to motivate myself to open the book cos the thought of reading is just too daunting. I've tried it once and it was a nightmare I tell you! Statistics is a horrible horrible subject. Ahh..I wish I could have a tutor who looks like Rob Pattinson to guide me.
It's a good thing I met Yoda yesterday cos he gave me a  little nudge to get me going. He has this amazing ability to help me function systematically like a robot. The problem is, when I don't see him, I get disoriented again and I lose that focus. Now that he's away for three weeks, I have to struggle  independently. Why can't  I remember anything he said during our meeting? *garu kepala*. The notes I've written aren't helping either.

When he comes back, he expects to see a finished product and that's what freaking me out right now.

So. I am back to where I started - staring at buku statistics. Mulau is the word here. Before things get out of hand, I think I'll stop here. Otherwise, I'll start talking about Alden's poop and how it has affected my concentration. Nah, you wouldn't want that would you? Martian signing off :)

Janji Kaling

I’m in my office right now. I tell myself it’s really not a good idea to start blogging but I can’t help it. At the moment, it’s very therapeutic to just see words pop up on the spreedsheet as I type. Gives me a sense of satisfaction you know, doing just that. Weird? I guess.

Therapy is needed when you feel like you’re in the brink of madness or when you’re deeply affected by something. My reason is the latter. My research is now in a stationary state, held back by something. Same ol same ol pathetic plot. But seriously, it is hanging by a thread. Why? Because I can’t get access to my subjects. Why? Because the Academic Coordinator hasn’t cleared the logistics. Why? Because he’s too busy. Why? Because it’s almost the end of the semester now. So nothing is within my control, which is why it sucks so much.

I called the fella last Tuesday. Caught him by surprise because we usually communicate via email. He was so apologetic for not getting back to me and promised to email the next day. Quote

I’ll try talking to the tutors again and I promise you an email by 5pm today. 

At 5pm, there was no email. Not on Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday. Janji kaling butul butul.

So this morning I sent him another poilte email, asking for his response. My message was clear:

Look dude, I know you guys are busy with Christmas coming and all but I really need to do this study. I won’t take much of the students’ time. Just two hours. See, I’ve even reduced it to TWO hours. Not SIX long hours. So dude, what do you say? Pleeeeeeeeeease….Pleeeeeeease…..

I didn’t write that of course. The formal version was much more refined and erm…impersonal.

Then after a few hours, I got a reply! Finally!

I clicked on the INBOX and read

Out of Office AutoReply: Research

Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the office. I will be back in the office on 7th December and will attend to your email then. If you require more urgent assistance please direct your email to XXXXXXX

Kind regards

XXXX

I got an Autoreply. Bad omen. He has never ever sent me an autoreply before. I mean previously I’ve been sending him lots of mails but no matter how busy he was there was never an autoreply. So what does this mean? It’s obvious. He’s trying to get rid of me. To him I’m probably like this annoying hand phone salesman who never gives up until he gets to sell a Nokia. The type that wouldn’t stop. You know what I mean? He’s probably right. I will not stop pestering him until I get my two hours. Why can’t he just give me the two miserable hours???

So. Once again, I am stuck. And frustrated. But now that I’ve written about this, I feel a little bit better.

I guess things will have to wait until 7th December . Till then I think I’ll spend more therapeutic moments on the spreadsheet.

Let there be light in the darkness of thesis writing

If I could map out my enthusiasm for my research in a line graph it would probably look like this:

Figure X: Enthusiasm Count for  Thesis Writing

As shown in Figure X above, there was a drastic plunge in May, June, July and at the moment of speaking, in November. This lack of enthusiasm was entirely my fault, being mood-driven and all. I was  uninspired, my work got sloppy and as days went by, I became more and more demotivated.

Suddenly, the unexpected happened; I saw a flashlight in the middle of the tunnel! How did this happen?

You see, a very inspiring session during the recent NZ Postgraduate Conference somehow knocked some sense into me. It gave me a mild concussion but I really needed the wakeup call. I'm still in the tunnel, where everything's dark and unknown but at least now I have a flashlight to guide me through my journey.

The session was facilitated by two presenters who developed a programme to help PhD students succeed in their studies. From this project, they pooled together some valuable tips on how to be a sucessful thesis student. I don't think I can or am legally allowed to relay everything that was presented in the session, so I will just highlight the crucial ones. My version is of course simpler and less refined compared to the authors'.

Here goes...

Most thesis students suffer from two types of diseases:

Readitis
- the belief that reading one more article will solve your research problems (Social Science student)

Experimintitis
- The belief that doing one more experiment will solve all your research problems (Science student)

The moral of the story: You'll never get things done if you have these beliefs.

Myth 1
"I'll get it all clear in my head first and then write it down"
According to the presenters, this is so WRONG because

• writing is not recording
• writing is a creative process
• writing clarifies your thinking

Myth 2
"I'll write when I feel ready and I'm not ready yet" (This is so me)

• You may never feel ready
• You have to write before you feel ready
• That means now!

Just Do It

• Write early and often
• Bingeing vs. Snacking (Writing once in a blue moon vs. writing regularly - a research done has shown that academic staff who wrote 30 minutes everyday produced more journals than those who wrote occasionally)
• Practice the golden hour - write for 2 hours everyday preferably in the morning (our brain is more alert in the morning, it is less used and not distracted by mental chores. Once we read emails, take calls and do stuff, we'll have more difficulty concentrating)
• Assume position (Sit down in front of your pc)
• Stay in position and nail your feet to the floor (Don't go anywhere for 2 hours - be disciplined)

Feedback

• Call supervisors and not wait to be called
• Regular feedback will speed things up
• Ask for specific feedback
• Don't take comments personally

Last but not least, be REALISTIC - It's just a thesis, not a Nobel Prize

Notes taken during Hugh Kearns & Maria Gardiner's presentation entitled Some Secrets from Highly Sucessful Thesis Students at the 2009 NZPGC.

There you have it. The Dos and Don'ts. By applying these tips, struggling students like me can (hopefully) steer off from becoming another statistics in the failure category. Hope this helps :)

Cheers!